Warning: If you’re looking for something light and easy to read, best move on. This is going to be one long-arsed and deeply personal post (set to flist only). If you are interested in learning in how I tick … here it is for good and worse … read on.
I’m in the midst of trying to salvage this week’s fuck up. Whether the situation is redeemable still remains to be seen. My instinct says not totally. Not to my satisfaction. Sometimes the resolution of such fuck ups can lead to a much more open and deeper level of understanding, a better starting point than the original one. I’d be happy with a return to what was.
I started thinking about stuffing up being a safety net. I could say that stuffing up is a subconscious safety device for stopping in it’s tracks the journey your feelings are taking you on. AĆĀ “don’t go there” reaction. Most definitely, although not in this case, it is also a reaction to fear of intimacy. A quick fix for the “if you really got to know me you’d hate me” thing. So I’ll derail this train right here and now so you don’t GET to know me any further.
But it’s not as simple as that either. Today I learned more deeply the why’s and wherefores. A friend referred me on to two articles she thought it was necessary for me to read:
Can you hear the flowers sing? Issues for gifted adults and
Gifted Women: Identity and Expression.
Two highly illuminating articles about the social implications of being gifted. As I read them I sat there open-mouthed – jaw agape, pointing at the screen exclaiming “that’s me!” over and again.
I have a problem with accepting the label ‘gifted’. It’s hard to believe that you are for a start. But the worst part of it is fearing that people will assume I believe myself to be superior. I’m not. I believe myself to be vastly inferior. I’m socially awkward, I fuck up socially a lot 
and I have a deep inner belief I can never live up to that label. That I am an imposter (as it turns out – one of the common feelings of gifted women).
I have an IQ tested at 142. See I don’t even like saying that. I fear being judged negatively. “Who the hell do you think you are?”. “Oh she thinks she’s better than everyone else”. “you have to be kidding”. “She’s up herself” What does the number mean? That I have the potential to do whatever I want to do. Apparently. But so many factors come in to play there … how your ‘giftedness’ was handled as a child probably being one of the most important (it wasn’t). Being told incessantly how I had an over-active imagination and how extremely overly sensitive I was transferred into a deeply held belief that somehow I am “disabled”. That I am not “normal”. That I am intrinsically flawed in my nature. These traits were felt as a negative instead of a positive. So, of course, my ‘over-active imagination’ gets denied. It’s a flaw I must hide. That belief has stunted me.
The first article linked to above, “Can you hear the flowers sing?” is about a paper done on research based on observational data of gifted adults. I could quote the whole thing here I’m sure but I’ll try and limit myself š The author described the social implications of five traits found in gifted adults. “Five traits (divergency, excitability, sensitivity, perceptivity, and entelechy) seem to produce potential interpersonal and intrapersonal conflict. Unless gifted adults learn to value themselves and find support, identity conflicts and depression may result.”
Divergency: “A preference for unusual, original, and creative responses is characteristic of divergent thinkers. … The dilemma of the divergent thinker is one of maintaining identity in the face of pressure to conform.”
Excitability: “High energy level, emotional reactivity, and high nervous system arousal characterize the trait of excitability.” We’re not talking about hyperactivity here.
And the three real biggies for me (particularly the highlighted parts):
Sensitivity: “A depth of feeling that results in a sense of identification with others characterizes the trait of sensitivity. Gifted people form deep attachments and react to the feeling tone of situations; they think with their feelings. These gifted adults may be unusually aware of the feeling tone of situations and of the more sensual aspects of the environment, such as color and shading. They are often aware of their own shortcomings. … Adults gifted with sensitivity tend to be highly moral people concerned with giving and with doing what is right for others.”
“These gifted adults must learn to guard their vulnerability while still remaining sensitive to others, to continue caring in the face of rejection, and to moderate emotional responsiveness so that they feel “with” rather than “for.” The risk is that they will become isolates who avoid relationships that could nurture them. Eek. That last highlighted bit … that’s me. That’s me.
Perceptivity: “An ability to view several aspects of a situation simultaneously, to understand several layers of self within another, and to see quickly to the core of an issue are characteristic of the trait of perceptivity. … They are often skilled at sensing the incongruency between exhibited social facades and real thoughts and feelings. Another aspect of perceptivity concerns the recognition of and need for truth. Social facades displayed by others may seem to this gifted adult to be a sort of lie. Adults gifted in this way detect and dislike falsehood and hypocrisy.” … um, like, yeah. That’s me.
“Positive social and emotional correlates of the trait of perceptivity include the ability of these gifted adults to view their own behavior somewhat objectively.On the negative side, this trait can present difficulties in interpersonal relationships because others, unaware of what the gifted adult sees so clearly, feel both vulnerable and threatened. For the gifted adult, seeing several layers of a person may be confusing. It may be difficult to pair the response obtained with what the situation seemed to indicate was required. The more discrepancy between the inner self and outer face, the more uncomfortable the gifted adult may feel. …The dilemma of this gifted adult is whether to hide the insights and respond superficially to the social facade or to use the gift and risk rejection. ”
This perceptivity one is the one I have real troubles with.
Entelechy: “Adults gifted in entelechy are highly attractive to others who feel drawn to openness, warmth, and closeness. … People gifted in entelechy bring deep feelings to a relationship. By spontaneously expressing feelings, they encourage others to do so as well. Their example of overcoming obstacles and their continuing support and interest encourage others to grow.”
“People gifted in entelechy are capable of creating “golden moments” of friendship, those special times when two people are truly their best selves and able to share on a deep level. Gifted adults may find sources of rare intimacy; however, they may also find an overwhelming number of people who want contact but have little to offer in return. They may feel vulnerable to and intruded on by the demands of others who may feel cheated that the promise implied in the initial sharing cannot continue. … The risk is anxiety about requests from others and avoidance of closeness in interpersonal relationships.”
The second article, about gifted women and the way they view themselves, was also a bit of an eye-opener.
Commonalities between gifted women:
“Some women experience being called “gifted” as an uncomfortable burden, and will avoid even allowing the thought they may, in fact, be gifted. One fairly common reaction is feeling oneself to be an “imposter”. They often had the belief they were “fooling” other people, or were “faking it”. Many held a belief they would be exposed as frauds or fakes.
Jodie Foster said in a tv interview that before her Oscar-winning performance in “The Accused” she felt “like an impostor, faking it, that someday they’d find out I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t. I still don’t.”
Huh!! That’s surprising. That is exactly what I am always feeling. In my non-myspace life I have a very small group of real friends. People who are generally highly intelligent, creative, interesting people with beyond average tastes in the arts. I always wonder “what am I doing with these people? Why do they want me for a friend? I’m the odd one out – surely they must see I am not like them. One day they will see me for the fraud I am.” Same when anyone praises anything I do. I always feel I am an imposter.
In addition to feeling like an impostor, other traits often shown by gifted women are androgony (having high levels of both masculine and feminine qualities – and only a few days ago I was bemoaning my lack of girly-girlness lol). Shame – the systematic destruction of a gifted child’s self-esteem is particularly devastating. Gifted women tend to have had an extremely intense reaction to being shamed or humiliated in early childhood. (Oh yes.) Strong envy and antagnosim from family members … discouragement of her realising or even pursuing her unique potentials.
Told you this was going to be a long one š
But today I have learned a lot. That the sensitivy, intensity, all the rest of it that can make other people uncomfortable … have reasons behind them. I share these traits with other people (I thought feeling like an imposter was uniquely my own lol). Of course knowing doesn’t fix anything but having a deeper self knowledge about the whys can only be a good thing.
So there you go. It’s pretty much all up there – what I am. Now I am laid open for all of you to see. And I wonder – how many people on my friends list can identify. I seem to have a large percentage of highly unusual, intelligent and creative people on my list so I’m betting I’m not the only one dealing with these demons. The difference being that most of them are self-actualising whereas I feel too frozen most of the time to do anything about it.
And all of this angst stemmed from one word this morning… “superficial”. Which had me in a state. Do others view me as superficial? That’s the one really good thing about me is that I can say I’m NOT but it would hurt to be thought of that way. And other stuff but it’s all in an eddy of confusion over the superficiality of social facades. That what it boils down to. And for once … I’ve actually blogged myself into a concrete realisation … just like that. YES!! (arm pumps in air).